Hee Haw

My Aunty gave me a book of Scottish poems last year. Here's my favourite one.

O YE CANNAE SHOVE YIR GRANNIE AFF A BUS

O ye cannae shove yir Grannie aff a bus.
How no, but?

Ah mean,
Great if she's a douce wee body,
Flooer -peenied,
Knittin-oxtered,
A poke o sookie sweeties in her pocket.

Lauchs like a lintie at yir jokes,
Maks clootie dumplin fir yir birthday,
Aye supports yir team.

Some Grannie
Fir somebody,
Yon

No me
But

Ma grannie's a
Girnin, greetin,
Toffee-brittle
Soor-ploomed
Shammy-gab.

Aye clyping tae yir faither,
Aye griping tae yir mither,
Aye wishing she wis deid.

Shove her aff?
Ah widnae even let her oan.

By Margaret Tollick, from King of the Midden, - Manky Mingin Rhymes in Scots
For those of you not proficient in Scots;an explanation, and a translation:

First you should know there is a song Scottish school children all sing:

" Oh ye cannae shove yir grannie aff the bus

No ye cannae shove yir grannie aff the bus

No ye cannae shove yir grannie

fir she's yir Mammy's Mammy,

No ye cannae shove yir granny aff the bus!"

and famously

" Ye can shove yer other Grannie aff the bus

Ye can shove yir other grannie aff the bus

Ye can shove yir other grannie

coz shes yir Daddy's mammy

Ye can shove yir other Grannie aff the bus!"

Oh, You Can't Push your Granny off a Bus

Oh you can't push your Granny off a bus?

But why not?

I mean,

It'd be fine if she was a sweet little person

WIth a flowery apron

Knitting needles always stuck under her arms

and always a bag of boiled sweets in her pocket

Who always laughs her head off at your jokes

And makes you steamed pudding for your birthday

Always suppports your team

That would be a great Granny

for someone

that

But not for me

My Granny's a moaning complaining

over sensitive

sour faced

gossip

Always telling tales to your father

Always moaning to your mother

Always saying she wishes she was dead

Push her off?

I wouldn't even let her on...

No disrespect or similarity inferred to my own grandmothers, or the granny of my own daughter! She's still the first granny in the poem - let's hope she stays that way!!