Happy Mothers Day!
It was Mother's Day here in Japan yesterday. The following is the conversation which took place in our house at about lunchtime, when the pouty cells finally took me over.
J: You are a git , you know! (Granted, not a very diplomatic or adult start)
Y: Eh?
J: What did we do yesterday?
Y: We went shopping.
J: What for?
Y: A present for my mother.
J: Why?
Y: For Mothers Day.
J: Uhuh. And is she the only mother you know?
Y: Well, there's your mother.... but isn't it on a different day there.
J: --------------
Yes, it is. Don't you know any other mothers?
Y:------------? ---------OH! Sorry..... But you know we love you right.
J: Yes, I know, but you're a git.
I was reading an article the other day in an online journal about bringing up kids. The woman was talking about how we "sabotage our own happiness" . I certainly do know how she feels and probably this is a case in point. Instead of being happy with the situation as it is, which is really pretty great: caring husband who really makes an effort, helps out round the house and with the child more than he needs to considering our jobs, and puts up with wifely moaning gallantly; plus bright and funny daughter who surprises you every day in new ways; in spite of all this we still set ourselves up for disappointment by secretly expecting things to turn out like the Kodak moments in our minds, which are usually derived from The Waltons or other unrealistic "Hollywood" family scenes.
For Example:
Scene in my Mind:
Wake up to sunshine streaming through the cracks in the blinds, to be presented with burnt toast and tea made by Mairi with help of devoted Dad, and a "flower " made by scrunching up a piece of tissue paper and sticking it onto a toilet roll tube with glue, which now mainly covers the top of my expensive coffee table. "Happy Mothers Day Mummy! I love you!" Mairi cries, beaming as she drops the toast, buttter side down on the duvet !
Actual scene:
Wake up alone in the family bed, after 3 hours sleep, M and Dad have gone to play in the living room, which is now not only strewn with yesterday's clothes, but also as many toys and books as two people can get out in the space of an hour. Wash last night's dishes (which were not washed last night due to Mairi's sudden onset of stomachache accompanied by screaming for 3 hours which I nursed as a good mother should!) and then ask if they have eaten. "No, we'll have toast please!"
Now, does Mothers Day really matter? It is after all a holiday (to borrow the American sense of the word) which has become, like most others, overly commercialised, and just another excuse to buy cards and gifts. But the origins of the celebration are not at all Hallmark. A Mother's Day celebration has been celebrated since the time of the Ancient Greeks. In Britain and Europe, the Celts also had a springtime Celebration honourng motherhood, and even the American celebration was started by a woman who wished to honour her own mother after she died. People have been honouring their mothers for centuries! And even if it is commercialised, the sentiments behind the Day are still valid, are they not? It's a chance to say thanks to your Mum for everything she does or has done for you.
I suppose opinions vary on the stupidity or meaningfulness of these designated days for sentiment and do-gooding ( should that be good-doing??). One could say that if gratitude or kindness is deserved, it should be expressed every day or whenever appropriate, not only on a nationally designated day, or because everyone else is doing it. This is true, and I cannot complain in that respect. My family is generally a happy and loving one. I think it also depends on how you were brought up.
My family has always made a big deal out of special occasions: birthdays, Christmas, New Year and other holidays too. My own attitude is basically that you have to make occasions special. It's not automatic, and if you don't make any occasions special, everything becomes humdrum and you start to take your blessings for granted. These kind of celebrations are a chance to do nice things for other people , and doing this makes me, at least, feel better about myself. Call me a sentimental fool!
My husband's family have never observed any of these occasions. Even Japanese holidays are observed in as quiet a fashion as possible. This doesn't make them bad people. Maybe because the house was full of men, maybe because his mum was always too busy working, I don't know, but the bottom line is I suppose I can't blame him for not remembering to do things he has never done, just because my family always did. It's a kind of culture shock in a non-national sense.
Whatever... The result is that I always overdo birthdays and these kind of things for others, and despite really meaning it when I say that it's the giving not the receiving that counts, I still get a bit sad when it is not reciprocatedjust a little bit; and despite years of experience that tells me that he is highly likely to forget evry occasion, in my heart of hearts I still "sabotage my own happiness" by thinking that this time, this time, he might remember without me having to hint .
As for this Mother's Day, why was I so sad?
Mairi is only 3 and has no idea about such things anyway, and soon enough her educators will remind her to make me a squashy flower, and after all I am not his mother! A little of it is sadness because he didn't think about it even after he saw me getting Mairi ready with homemade gifts for Ba-chan and even after we rushed out to get his mother something from him. But I think my reaction has more to do with the fact that this is a day for acknowledging motherhood.
At this point in time, my life is defined by being a mother, through my own choice and with no regrets. What I choose to do, I try to do well. I often feel surprised that working mothers don't seem to respect this choice that I have made (not all of you!) . There seems to be an unspoken feeling that I am in some way being lazy by not working. "Try it" is all I have to say to that. I respect the hard job you are doing too, but if you think I'm sitting on the couch all day, think again. In the end, what others think is not the point. Those others. But I suppose what Mairi and hubby think is the point, and in some stupid way, a crappy flower and burnt toast would have been the equivalent of a year-end bonus in recognition of hard work.
Yes, it says more about how I feel about myself than about hubby or M. Maybe it's PMT. Maybe it's all down to lack of sleep for 3 days due to another fever related Mairi illness, who knows?
But then kids have a way of making up for everything don't they.
This morning Mairi, suddenly , unprompted and through a mouthful of breakfast, said " Mummy, I really LOVE you!" I can't buy a new car with it, but I'll take that!
I hope all you other Mums out there feel as appreciated as you deserve to be, whether on Mothers Day or not!
Happy Mother's day!
J: You are a git , you know! (Granted, not a very diplomatic or adult start)
Y: Eh?
J: What did we do yesterday?
Y: We went shopping.
J: What for?
Y: A present for my mother.
J: Why?
Y: For Mothers Day.
J: Uhuh. And is she the only mother you know?
Y: Well, there's your mother.... but isn't it on a different day there.
J: --------------
Yes, it is. Don't you know any other mothers?
Y:------------? ---------OH! Sorry..... But you know we love you right.
J: Yes, I know, but you're a git.
I was reading an article the other day in an online journal about bringing up kids. The woman was talking about how we "sabotage our own happiness" . I certainly do know how she feels and probably this is a case in point. Instead of being happy with the situation as it is, which is really pretty great: caring husband who really makes an effort, helps out round the house and with the child more than he needs to considering our jobs, and puts up with wifely moaning gallantly; plus bright and funny daughter who surprises you every day in new ways; in spite of all this we still set ourselves up for disappointment by secretly expecting things to turn out like the Kodak moments in our minds, which are usually derived from The Waltons or other unrealistic "Hollywood" family scenes.
For Example:
Scene in my Mind:
Wake up to sunshine streaming through the cracks in the blinds, to be presented with burnt toast and tea made by Mairi with help of devoted Dad, and a "flower " made by scrunching up a piece of tissue paper and sticking it onto a toilet roll tube with glue, which now mainly covers the top of my expensive coffee table. "Happy Mothers Day Mummy! I love you!" Mairi cries, beaming as she drops the toast, buttter side down on the duvet !
Actual scene:
Wake up alone in the family bed, after 3 hours sleep, M and Dad have gone to play in the living room, which is now not only strewn with yesterday's clothes, but also as many toys and books as two people can get out in the space of an hour. Wash last night's dishes (which were not washed last night due to Mairi's sudden onset of stomachache accompanied by screaming for 3 hours which I nursed as a good mother should!) and then ask if they have eaten. "No, we'll have toast please!"
Now, does Mothers Day really matter? It is after all a holiday (to borrow the American sense of the word) which has become, like most others, overly commercialised, and just another excuse to buy cards and gifts. But the origins of the celebration are not at all Hallmark. A Mother's Day celebration has been celebrated since the time of the Ancient Greeks. In Britain and Europe, the Celts also had a springtime Celebration honourng motherhood, and even the American celebration was started by a woman who wished to honour her own mother after she died. People have been honouring their mothers for centuries! And even if it is commercialised, the sentiments behind the Day are still valid, are they not? It's a chance to say thanks to your Mum for everything she does or has done for you.
I suppose opinions vary on the stupidity or meaningfulness of these designated days for sentiment and do-gooding ( should that be good-doing??). One could say that if gratitude or kindness is deserved, it should be expressed every day or whenever appropriate, not only on a nationally designated day, or because everyone else is doing it. This is true, and I cannot complain in that respect. My family is generally a happy and loving one. I think it also depends on how you were brought up.
My family has always made a big deal out of special occasions: birthdays, Christmas, New Year and other holidays too. My own attitude is basically that you have to make occasions special. It's not automatic, and if you don't make any occasions special, everything becomes humdrum and you start to take your blessings for granted. These kind of celebrations are a chance to do nice things for other people , and doing this makes me, at least, feel better about myself. Call me a sentimental fool!
My husband's family have never observed any of these occasions. Even Japanese holidays are observed in as quiet a fashion as possible. This doesn't make them bad people. Maybe because the house was full of men, maybe because his mum was always too busy working, I don't know, but the bottom line is I suppose I can't blame him for not remembering to do things he has never done, just because my family always did. It's a kind of culture shock in a non-national sense.
Whatever... The result is that I always overdo birthdays and these kind of things for others, and despite really meaning it when I say that it's the giving not the receiving that counts, I still get a bit sad when it is not reciprocatedjust a little bit; and despite years of experience that tells me that he is highly likely to forget evry occasion, in my heart of hearts I still "sabotage my own happiness" by thinking that this time, this time, he might remember without me having to hint .
As for this Mother's Day, why was I so sad?
Mairi is only 3 and has no idea about such things anyway, and soon enough her educators will remind her to make me a squashy flower, and after all I am not his mother! A little of it is sadness because he didn't think about it even after he saw me getting Mairi ready with homemade gifts for Ba-chan and even after we rushed out to get his mother something from him. But I think my reaction has more to do with the fact that this is a day for acknowledging motherhood.
At this point in time, my life is defined by being a mother, through my own choice and with no regrets. What I choose to do, I try to do well. I often feel surprised that working mothers don't seem to respect this choice that I have made (not all of you!) . There seems to be an unspoken feeling that I am in some way being lazy by not working. "Try it" is all I have to say to that. I respect the hard job you are doing too, but if you think I'm sitting on the couch all day, think again. In the end, what others think is not the point. Those others. But I suppose what Mairi and hubby think is the point, and in some stupid way, a crappy flower and burnt toast would have been the equivalent of a year-end bonus in recognition of hard work.
Yes, it says more about how I feel about myself than about hubby or M. Maybe it's PMT. Maybe it's all down to lack of sleep for 3 days due to another fever related Mairi illness, who knows?
But then kids have a way of making up for everything don't they.
This morning Mairi, suddenly , unprompted and through a mouthful of breakfast, said " Mummy, I really LOVE you!" I can't buy a new car with it, but I'll take that!
I hope all you other Mums out there feel as appreciated as you deserve to be, whether on Mothers Day or not!
Happy Mother's day!
posted by Jax at 2:25 pm
1 Comments:
Do I detect a slight note of sarcasm in there, Catnips? Well, wine notwithstanding, sometimes one just wants to get crap off one's chest. No-one is paid to look at it. When I'm ready to change the world with my mind blowing theories, I'll crank it up a bit. Keep smiling!
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