On the Pond

Have decided to amalgamate and consolidate, so to speak, so if you want to keep up with us, please visit On the Pond at your leisure!

Tata!

Muchiuchi 鞭打ち

I was recently interviewed by 2 2nd Grade students for the school paper. You know - "meet the new teacher " kind of thing. Well I'm not sure who was more surprised by our encounter.



Stock questions - where are you from? what do you think of Jogakuin? when did you come to Japan? what's your favourite colour?

Then: " What's your favourite word?" To be honest they were probably looking for a motto - like " Smile and the World Smiles with you!", but you can interpret the Japanese as "word" too so the cunning linguist in me likes to take a different tack. As you know I like words.

Now, purely from a phonetic point of view, one of my favourite sounding Japanese words is "muchiuchi" (moochioochi). I think it's hilarious. I learned it after a car accident I had a few years back, and it means "whiplash".

Perhaps I've been lulled into a false sense of security by the cute sailor suits and the predeliction for Disney characters which surrounds my teenage charges, I don't know. They always seem so young and naive compared to their British counterparts. Eyes opened once again.

Conversation:

"What's your favourite word?"

"I like " muchiuchi"."

Look at each other with momentary kind of " what does that mean again?" bewildered look, that sends my self confidence back to zero - have I been mispronouncing this word for years??!! - I'd heard of the concept of a stiff neck after an accident when I was in 2nd year, hadn't I???" Then , visibly, the penny drops.

To each other, without the slightest trace of surprise or embarrassment beyond the fact they hadn't known immediately:

" Oh that's it, the SM thing with the leather!"

"Right"

And then went to look for the next questions.

THEY'RE 13!!!!!!

I mean, yeah, it doesn't take a large leap of imagination to get to that tack in English either, but I didn't expect that from the cherubic child who'd quite literally just asked if she could cuddle my Kermit, as if it was the biggest thrill she's had all year!

I'm like: "WHAT???!!!! Car crashes??? Stiff necks????"

"Oh yeah, it means that too!"

" I think I'll give you a new answer..."

" Oh , OK, if you want"

In a totally unfazed tone, as if it was bizarre that a new teacher might not want to go down in the journalistic anals of her missionary founded school's history as a secret whip cracking dominatrix!

On the plus side, my street cred has probably soared to new heights..........

Scary Genetics

Since we moved back to the city, our lives have changed dramatically. Not least in our morning routine. That is, now we have one. This involves me getting up at 6am every morning, making 2 or 3 packed lunches depending on who will be gainfully employed that day, followed by Y and M who trundle out of their pits at about 6:30, to be fed and get ready for 7:20 departure. Yasu heads on foot for the tram stop, and M and I head for the parking lot otherwise known as Hiroshima Western Bypass, for our trip to her school bus stop.

None of this involves anything in the least genetic of course - frankly me getting up at 6am goes against all the laws of nature as far as I'm concerned.

Once safely ensconced in the traffic jam, Mairi and I have a chance to chat, sing various Disney songs, and philosophise on various subjects - such as whether the Toyota showroom is open on various days of the week. (We have just bought a new car from said showroom, and it seems to have become Mairi's focal point for teaching herself the days of the week in two languages - Mummy is it open on Monday? No . Is it open on Tuesday? Yes, it's only shut on Mondays. Well - how about Wednesday? and on it goes). Or whether the driver in front is a good person or an evil wrongdoer- based on whether he flashed his hazards twice to say thanks or not when I let him in off the slip road. Do people do that anywhere else??

We also , needless to say, have a good opportunity to look at cars. Mairi shares my love of cars, and thankfully her interest has gone past giving me a heart attack by bellowing "AUDI!!!!" at the top of her voice out of the blue every time she sees one. (Thanks for that Aunty Fi!). Now she likes to learn all the different makes and tell me who of her friends drives what. She also went through a phase of announcing which cars' tail lights she liked the shape of - scarily reminding me of a guy on a German Variety show called "Wetten Dass" I saw years ago, who could tell you the make and model of about 200 cars, just by looking at the tail lights.

The past couple of days the topic has been colour, and this is where the genetics comes in.



The following conversation took place this morning:



M: "Mummy, there's a nice purple car".



J: "Yes, and I like that blue one."



M: "That's not blue that's green. "



J: " It's blue"



M: "No. It's defintely green blue!"



A 4 year old version, but the hairs stood up on my neck! Anyone who knows Janet " Dulux shade chart" Kyle will know why!

Of course Janet would have called it something like "Adriatic Aquamarine"!




If it were only the colour thing, I wouldn't be quite so freaked out.......

I can hear shrieks of "Whiddi ye mean????" sailing across from Dunfermline as I type....

Hee Haw

My Aunty gave me a book of Scottish poems last year. Here's my favourite one.

O YE CANNAE SHOVE YIR GRANNIE AFF A BUS

O ye cannae shove yir Grannie aff a bus.
How no, but?

Ah mean,
Great if she's a douce wee body,
Flooer -peenied,
Knittin-oxtered,
A poke o sookie sweeties in her pocket.

Lauchs like a lintie at yir jokes,
Maks clootie dumplin fir yir birthday,
Aye supports yir team.

Some Grannie
Fir somebody,
Yon

No me
But

Ma grannie's a
Girnin, greetin,
Toffee-brittle
Soor-ploomed
Shammy-gab.

Aye clyping tae yir faither,
Aye griping tae yir mither,
Aye wishing she wis deid.

Shove her aff?
Ah widnae even let her oan.

By Margaret Tollick, from King of the Midden, - Manky Mingin Rhymes in Scots
For those of you not proficient in Scots;an explanation, and a translation:

First you should know there is a song Scottish school children all sing:

" Oh ye cannae shove yir grannie aff the bus

No ye cannae shove yir grannie aff the bus

No ye cannae shove yir grannie

fir she's yir Mammy's Mammy,

No ye cannae shove yir granny aff the bus!"

and famously

" Ye can shove yer other Grannie aff the bus

Ye can shove yir other grannie aff the bus

Ye can shove yir other grannie

coz shes yir Daddy's mammy

Ye can shove yir other Grannie aff the bus!"

Oh, You Can't Push your Granny off a Bus

Oh you can't push your Granny off a bus?

But why not?

I mean,

It'd be fine if she was a sweet little person

WIth a flowery apron

Knitting needles always stuck under her arms

and always a bag of boiled sweets in her pocket

Who always laughs her head off at your jokes

And makes you steamed pudding for your birthday

Always suppports your team

That would be a great Granny

for someone

that

But not for me

My Granny's a moaning complaining

over sensitive

sour faced

gossip

Always telling tales to your father

Always moaning to your mother

Always saying she wishes she was dead

Push her off?

I wouldn't even let her on...

No disrespect or similarity inferred to my own grandmothers, or the granny of my own daughter! She's still the first granny in the poem - let's hope she stays that way!!

Baffies

Japan is a land of many slippers.　You have to take slippers to your work to wear inside the building once you get there. There are house slippers and guest slippers and public slippers in schools, museums, hospitals (don't want to be wearing them after the guy getting the veruca treatment!) and restaurants. There really are a dazzling number of footwear changes to navigate in an average day here. Every gaijin's favourite must however be the toilet slippers. You wear your house slippers as far as the door of the lav, then change into the slippers, which are usually plastic and emblazoned with a widdling cherub, for the duration of your stay in there, then change back to the house slippers on your way out again. I might add that the average Japanese toilet room is about 3ft square and there is no need to even take a full step to reach the cludgy.We hear many a tale of hapless gaijin turning up at interviews , weddings and concerts still wearing their pink toilet slippers.

None of this is new, and I'm not prone to commenting on the superficial cultural foibles of Japan here, but I found myself laughing out loud the other night, as Mairi and I carefully stepped into our matching scarlet toilet slippers in the changing room toilet at a local hot spring bath house, while wearing absolutely nothing else!

I'll leave you with that tantalizing image for now....

High Roads and Low Roads

Well the big trip of the year is behind me.
The stats:

Length of stay: 40 days
Friends and Family met: 78 plus 4 pets
People "realistically" expected to meet but couldn't: 8
UK towns visited: 15
Modes of transport utilised: plane, train , underground, bus, car, taxi, ferry and paddle boat
Shopping Centres Visited: too many too count
Pounds Spent: Too scared to look at bank balance
Major hangovers: 2
Pounds gained: too scared for scales

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High Points

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Family and Friends

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It was great being able to get together with so many of my family and friends this time, although sadly there were still a few important ones whom I didn't manage to catch up with. You can always tell good people by the fact that, despite not having seen or really contacted each other properly for years, you can start a conversation as if you left off the last one yesterday. I'm so lucky to have so many people all over the world who are just like that! ( Why are there never any in the same town as me though??)

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I particularly enjoyed getting to know my friends' kids a little bit better. It is one of my biggest regrets that they will grow up not really knowing me, despite my closeness with their parents. I'll forever be that mystery "Aunty" who lives in an incomprehensibly far off place, but sends (hopefully) good presents! That's why I send all the pix folks, so our kids can know each other, so send some back occasionally,eh!

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I also loved getting to know new family members, either by marriage(or almost!!) or by birth! And it was nice spending some time with most of my cousins, who due to both logistics and laziness, have been off the radar for years. Perhaps it's becoming a mother myself, and watching M grow up with none around her, perhaps it's the passing of Grandparents and Great Aunts which brings realisation that it's not all forever; but I recently find more need to keep in touch with family. We share a common history which for good or bad, no-one else can understand. Particularly we Kyles and the McC's were close in age and spent a lot of time growing up together ( Supertrouper at New Year and Milk Throwing Episode ring any bells?!), but recently if it wasn't for our mothers signing our names on Christmas cards, there'd be no connection. I find that sad.

One of you made the point that there shouldn't be any automatic relationship just because there was a blood connection at some point, but rather that we should base our relationships on our true affinity with each other. Why make an effort to get together just because we're family if we have nothing else in common? (Sorry if your point is lost in translation, I was drunk at the time!) I suppose I can see that , but I'd just like to say that having seen everyone except Jerry (Sorry Jerry!) and Linda for obvious reasons, I think we should make an effort to keep in touch both for family reasons (our Mums won't be around to sign our names forever and our kids might want to know who their family are some day!) and because it seems to me that you're all very good value in your own right. I'm glad to have got to know you a little as adults this year, and hope it wasn't a one off wonder. Our family has a colourful past (!), and it would be a shame to have no-one to share all those memories of Papa, Gran, Aunty Jenny and all the Aunties with in years to come. Call me a big mushy mess but there you are!

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Highland Road Trip

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Finally took some time out with my sister, and took in some of the most beautiful parts of Scotland - the reverse trip of my honeymoon (all 3 days of it!). Not only managed to rack up gazillions of supermummy points by booking us in to stay at Josie Jump's house in Balamory (thanks for the heads up Gub!), but managed to spend some quality time with my sister in her new pride and joy (3litre Audi Quattro Cabriolet!) as well. We are both constantly on the go, and it is always our time together that gets sacrificed. It was not enough, but I enjoyed our wee trip.

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Food

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Eating cheese rolls! And caramel shortcake! And none of your crushed biscuit base thank you very much!

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Low Points

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While I was there my wee sister was diagnosed with a kidney complaint. It was very hard watching her deal with both the physical fact of the condition, and the psychological reality that this is not going away anytime soon, in her inimitable internal fashion; and knowing there is nothing I can do to make it all go away for her! If I could go round and kick someone in for you and make it all better I would, sis! Take as many virtual cuddles as you need.

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My mother was also finally put on the list for hip replacement surgery. I know the surgery is the best thing for her, to get rid of the debilitating pain she has been in, but I worry that she will have the confidence to ask people around her for help if she needs it, during the hospital stay and her recuperation. It's at time like this when the decision to make my life in Japan is so hard. I wish I could be there. Good luck Mum!

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Cashcard trouble. This is up there with the passport. Arrive in UK with 11 pounds 75p in cash. No travellers checks. Have an offshore bank account, so went armed with cashcard. Card is valid till end of July and have left Yasu with instructions to send on new card as soon as it arrives. First day. Go to hole in the wall at my Mum's bank. Card swallowed. "Your card has been retained. Please contact your branch." Eh?? I'm here for 6 weeks with 11.75!!! Go raging into the bank which luckily was still open. The woman apologises profusely and says, "yes, we've been having trouble with that machine, sorry", and extracts the card. She looks. "Yes, you're right, it's valid till end of July. Very sorry." I proceed to my own bank up the road. Insert card. "Unable to process your request" . WHAT? This time I get the card back. I go into the bank and explain to the woman at the desk. She keys the relevant info into her pc, smiles, and says: " Yes, your card is valid until the end of July ....2005!" Ooops! Luckily she gave me money as I had ID, but I left wondering where I'd checked my brain in once again!

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The hangover after Paul's birthday night out. I've long known that tequila is not my friend, but now it seems like Gin is ganging up on me too.

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Celebrity High Point

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Madonna

Wow! That woman can shimmy for her 47? years! We were all pleased to note her varicose vein / prominent sinew problem with great schadenfreude though! Haha! Madge aside, those male dancers' bods alone made it worth the 160 quid! Sad 30 somethings of the world unite....First concert (with beer) and night out with the girls since Mairi was born, complete with Victoria Beckham in the audience star spot! How could it not be a success? La Isla Bonita was just the icing on the cake really!!!!

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Celebrity Low Points

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Went to see a show at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. While traversing the Pleasance courtyard on the way to the loos, I said to my friend " So who is this Lucy Porter chick then? Is she really famous, or is that the only thing we could get tickets for?"

Answer: " Well, that's her sitting right there and she heard every word you just said!"

Oops!

She then went on to relate this tale to the whole audience as soon as she started the show, and I got to stand up and take a bow....

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We were invited to the 1st birthday party of the daughter of a Scottish actor, who plays a part in a well known TV drama. His wife is one of my sister's childhood friends. He was at my wedding and I have had conversations with him before, but after chatting with him about something innocuous at the party, I realised that I must have called him by his TV character's name to his face at least twice! Large "L" stamp on the forehead for me!

So there you are. A summer in Scotland much enjoyed, however knackered I might be now. I have thoughts on the BAA's approach to airport security control, and the NHS in general, but they would take a whole post each, so I'll spare you at this point. Check back later for that if you care.

TTFN

Her Majesty's Service

Well, the B-movie which is my life continues. Just as I was thinking I had my summer plans more or less sorted out, and the only thing I had to worry about was keeping Mairi fever free until take off and packing my knickers, my own stupidity decided to take a starring role in the proceedings.

Last week.

A Conversation with a friend:

F: Kiddies' passports are only valid for 3 years, aren't they?

Me: No, I'm pretty sure it's 5. Mairi has two, and I remember commenting that she wouldn't look anything like that when she was 5.

Saturday night ( 10 days before boarding- 5 of them working ones ).

I'm sitting at the computer, and notice the travel wallet containing the passports lying to one side. "Better just check, although I'm pretty certain...." Yes, valid until 2008, we're fine. My own passport is in the same wallet.
The sudden change from areobics 5 times a week and weight training 3 times a week, to housewife who cooks, to teacher who lives off convenience store food, to mother who can't do anything by herself during the day for 3 years, far less go to a gym; has - shall we say- entailed some striking physical changes over the past 6 years. You may say I've gone back to my old self, but THIS WILL NOT BE PERMANENT DAMMIT! Anyway, deep breaths, I thought I'd have a wee wistful look at my fit and skinny self, opened the passport at the photo page, and my eyes alighted on the legend:

Date of Expiry/ Date d'expiration (10)
21 March/Mars 06

Excuses? OK. I got married 6 years ago, and when I changed my name, I had to get a new passport. So I thought I had another 4 years. I actually got my passport out a month ago to check my Japanese stamps were all still valid. Never occurred to me to check the passport itself..... But now I come to think of it, they did say at the time that the expiry date hadn't changed.... OK, no excuse. I'm just an idiot. Anyway.....

After 10 or so double takes, and even more double expletives, I accepted that this could really mean that I had thrown almost 2000 quid down the drain, not to mention devastated my mother, my sister, and my 3 year old daughter, who only lives at the moment for the thought that she will be watching the Thomas the Tank Engine Live Tour at Glasgow SECC in August. That thought made me feel better....

The following facts add to the excitement:
1) I am due to leave the country on July 18th, around 11am.
2)The only place I can legally apply for a new passport is the British Embassy is in Tokyo.
3) Said embassy is shut until Monday 9am, so there is nothing I can do but sit, panic, and feel like a horse's A;;; - not to mention have that pointed out to me every 10 mins by my darling husband.
4) You have to have your Japanese visa and re-entry permit stamps transferred to your new passport before you can leave and legally re-enter the country, and they too are only open Mon to Fri until 4pm.
5) Next Monday (the day before I travel) is a Japanese National Holiday, so all public offices are shut, which means I need to have the new passport in my hands by Thursday evening.
6) The British Embassy Consular Section says it will take 10 working days to issue a new passport, especially now that we have something called biometric passports, which are totally computer generated , which also causes delays.
7) The only person I know who is actually in the country at the moment, who fulfills all the criteria for countersigning my passport application is in Hiroshima city, so it means a half day trip to Hiroshima before I can even send in the forms.

Lovely!

Finally Monday morning arrives:

After 3 attempts, I get someone on the line from the consular section. Obviously Japanese and very polite, and not at all "jobsworth"y. However, after very crawly and pleading explanation from me:

Embassy Girl: " We cannot guarntee that you will get your passport in time. We will do whatever we can, considering your circumstances, but you'll just have to send it in and see."

Me: " I'm willing to come to Tokyo, and personally hand in the application. Will that make any difference?"

EG: " We cannot guarantee anything. We just have to put it in the computer and see what happens. If you are in Hiroshima, send it in as soon as possible and we'll see what we can do. I suggest you call the Japanese immigration service and ask if you can get in and out of Japan if you have the your new passport and your old one with you. That might be more likely"

Me: "But express service won't get it there till Wednesday even now."
EG: " But we can't guarantee anything even if you do come."

Not sounding good. I phone Japanese Immigration. You can travel with stamps in your old passport as long as you have a new valid one too. One thin glimmer of hope. An extra day bought.

This inspires me to calm down and think rationally for a moment ( despite severe "missing the school bus on the first day of my O Grades" type feelings).

Decide that handing in the application even a day early, has got to increase the chances of getting it back early either way, and let's face it I'm not going to be fit for anything else for the rest of the week anyway, so off to Tokyo it is. Not the way I envisioned this week, but tally ho.


Monday

Put Mairi into nursery for the morning, then furiously pack a bag for 3 nights just in case. Get to a photographers to get my second set of passport photos taken with a white background instead of blue, and the prerequisite 32mm face. The computer will find NO reason to reject this girl!
Pick M up early and head to Hiroshima to chase up my friend, who very gallantly signed everything without even really laughing at me at all.
Drop off the car at the inlaws house and spend 4 hours in the fastest train in the world with a hyper Mairi "I like Rail Star Shinkansens" Chan. Picked up at station (thank God - Tokyo is always more than what you expect) despite protests not to bother by husband of my Japanese friend in Tokyo , and escorted across the metropolis to her house - thank you Ken and Sachiko!
Arrive around 10pm.

Tuesday

First experience of Tokyo rush hour on a train. Thank God for the women only carriage, is all I can say. You could experience even involuntary penetration in that crush on a regular one. (Sorry Mum!) And thank God for Sachiko babysitting M for me. There was no pushchair getting on that train before 10 am.

Arrive at Embassy just before 10am. Camera and cell phone confiscated, I am admitted through the check point.

Me: I called yesterday from Hiroshima. Was it by any chance you I spoke to?

EG: No, sorry.

(Explanation of requirements follows)

EG: (Sharp intake of breath while tilting head to one side. Never a sign of anything positive in Japan. ) Please pay the fee next door and come back here.

Discouraged, I do.

In walks another bloke. Transpires he is a pilot, English, based in Honolulu, resident in Oregon, and this is is nearest passport issuing authority. He is in Japan for one day. He needs his passport issued today too. I'm encouraged momentarily. He too receives the sharp intake of breath treatment. Oh, oh! We sit like kids outside the headmasters office, conferring on whether asking what is going on will damage our chances.

After 2 and half hours, we both finally emerge, reborn into functioning adults, resplendent with biometric travel documents in red and gold!

God Bless the Queen! And thee cheers for the wonderful Japanese staff of the British Embassy in Tokyo.

I'm back home now, with stamps transferred and all, about to start packing.
All I need now is a nice typhoon to arrive in Japan on Tuesday......